Unsure

(Sorry, in advance, for any of you who already read this on my other blog...)

The other day I was feeling off and jittery. Mark, in an attempt to cheer me up, asked, "What's your favorite food in the whole world?" I didn't know at the time, but he was planning to go get that very food for me and bring it back so we could eat it while watching a funny movie. Not knowing he was asking for a more immediate reason, I sat there wracking my brain for what felt like an eternity before I finally tearfully said, "I don't...really...I can't THINK what my favorite food is!" and slumped down on the couch next to him for a hug. He then told me his reason for asking, at which point I said ""Ohhh. If I would have known that, I would have told you what I was in the mood for right now..."

This led me to sadly admitting that I felt like a loser for not being able to ever give an answer for what my "favorite" anything is (color, line of work, hobby, parent, etc). He claimed he was the same way and thought both of us are this way because we like a lot of things a lot, and aren't the type to allow ourselves to get blocked in or committed to just one thing - except for each other, of course. I mean, variety is the spice of life, right?

I've thought more since that conversation, and I realize this very reason is why I'm not enjoying wedding planning very much. There is so much pressure to not only get everything right, make everyone happy and keep with traditions, but also to make this day special and specific to us, while taking into account all of our favorite things. I mean, if you asked me what my favorite flower is - which I was asked by my florist, by the way - I would think to myself, "But there are too many beautiful ones to choose just one!" Maybe it's the middle child in me, but my heart always breaks a little to think I might leave anything out. And so it's easier if I just avoid having to make these decisions at all, for fear I won't make the right ones.

Now, I could easily hire a wedding planner and I still might (Fabulous!). But the thing is, while I'm awfully bad at making a decision about any one thing, I'm also quite good at being opinionated and knowing what it is I don't want. Which is exactly why it took me 30 years to find the man I wanted to marry in the first place...

So how do I get over this? How do I balance my perfectionism, growing anxiety, normal life stresses, and want/needs, all the while staying within a budget and including everything that is important to us? How do I begin looking at this problem and making it into a solution, instead of tritely blaming it on the fact that I just don't think I'm cut out for this wedding-planning business? I don't want to appear to be bitter because I'm so far from it. I think about my wedding day and I feel warm and like the luckiest person knowing I will be marrying my best friend, the person who makes me happier than I ever thought I deserved to be. I see myself walking down the aisle of the adorable little chapel and I feel excited and renewed. But then I'm forced to once again look back at the minute details, to make the calls and sign the contracts & checks, and answer all the questions...and I just want to run away from it all.

How do I let go and just enjoy this ride? I certainly have waited in line for it for a long time, and it saddens me to think I'm ruining it for myself.