Progress

I have news. I hired a wedding coordinator this weekend. YAY! When I told Mark how much it would cost (it was a deal, if you ask me), he said, "PERFECT, let's get two!" He's so cute. He maintains that it's worth every penny if it gives me peace of mind, and so far it has done just that.

We've also secured a baker for the cake and met with our pastor since I last posted. I'm on a roll! Funny thing: once I got more details out of the way and stopped thinking about it all so much, I started having fun. Guess I just needed to stop worrying and get moving...

Today at the chapel during the meeting with our pastor, Mark and I were glowing. It was so fun to be in the very place we will get married in just a few short months. When we were asked what made us realize we were each "the one" for the other, I teared up upon hearing what Mark had to say. He is very good at always making me feel loved and appreciated, but hearing the words so specifically spelled out was such a treat. I'd already given my (inferior, IMHO) answer and upon hearing what he so eloquently had to say, I immediately piped up with a "Uhh, can I change my answer to 'What he said'?" I'm such a dork. :o)

Bridesmaid dresses: Ordered!

When I went to Indianapolis in November with my little sister Rachel and stepmom (better known as 'YOM' or "Your other mother"), we happened upon this bridesmaid dress and fell in love with it. When Rachel, my maid of honor, tried it on, I'm pretty sure I squealed and jumped up and down, that's how perfect it fit with my vision of our wedding day. After waiting oh-so-patiently to get the size information from the other girls, I finally was able to order the dresses this morning. I'm so excited!! They are so springy and sweet, aren't they?

Ann Taylor Karen Crossdye Dupioni Strapless dress:

Because I (apparently) like living the edge

I get married four months from today. Just to prove how far behind I am with the wedding planning (I've oh-so-diligiently bucked this system far too long), I'll let you know what I've finally done in the last two days alone:

• Set up a time to get our engagement photo taken for the paper (SHAMEFUL)
• Made an appointment with a pastor to perform the wedding ceremony (I KNOW!!)
• Set up an appointment with a cake lady
• Called about DJ services that don't offer 'The Bubble Experience'
• Looked up local marriage certificate laws
• Reserved the tuxes for the male attendents (Mark is now the proud owner of his own matching one, since he will have many reasons to wear one starting this Friday)
• Researched wedding planners and emailed one of them with possible desperation in my (writing) voice
• Began looking for a rehearsal dinner location
• Decided upon the starting time for our wedding, which is now 5:30pm, after wavering between that and 6pm for months...what's wrong with me?! Wait...don't answer that.
• Sat down and reviewed the checklist in my sadly neglected Martha Stewart wedding planning binder (and folks? I gots lot's to do...)
• Made a plan to sit down with the caterer to talk about menu options

Hilariously, I now feel a sense of calm about this whole wedding-planning thing. It's not lost on me that I finally started feeling better about this once I got off my damn ass and started doing something about it. Funny how that works, huh? *blush*

Unsure

(Sorry, in advance, for any of you who already read this on my other blog...)

The other day I was feeling off and jittery. Mark, in an attempt to cheer me up, asked, "What's your favorite food in the whole world?" I didn't know at the time, but he was planning to go get that very food for me and bring it back so we could eat it while watching a funny movie. Not knowing he was asking for a more immediate reason, I sat there wracking my brain for what felt like an eternity before I finally tearfully said, "I don't...really...I can't THINK what my favorite food is!" and slumped down on the couch next to him for a hug. He then told me his reason for asking, at which point I said ""Ohhh. If I would have known that, I would have told you what I was in the mood for right now..."

This led me to sadly admitting that I felt like a loser for not being able to ever give an answer for what my "favorite" anything is (color, line of work, hobby, parent, etc). He claimed he was the same way and thought both of us are this way because we like a lot of things a lot, and aren't the type to allow ourselves to get blocked in or committed to just one thing - except for each other, of course. I mean, variety is the spice of life, right?

I've thought more since that conversation, and I realize this very reason is why I'm not enjoying wedding planning very much. There is so much pressure to not only get everything right, make everyone happy and keep with traditions, but also to make this day special and specific to us, while taking into account all of our favorite things. I mean, if you asked me what my favorite flower is - which I was asked by my florist, by the way - I would think to myself, "But there are too many beautiful ones to choose just one!" Maybe it's the middle child in me, but my heart always breaks a little to think I might leave anything out. And so it's easier if I just avoid having to make these decisions at all, for fear I won't make the right ones.

Now, I could easily hire a wedding planner and I still might (Fabulous!). But the thing is, while I'm awfully bad at making a decision about any one thing, I'm also quite good at being opinionated and knowing what it is I don't want. Which is exactly why it took me 30 years to find the man I wanted to marry in the first place...

So how do I get over this? How do I balance my perfectionism, growing anxiety, normal life stresses, and want/needs, all the while staying within a budget and including everything that is important to us? How do I begin looking at this problem and making it into a solution, instead of tritely blaming it on the fact that I just don't think I'm cut out for this wedding-planning business? I don't want to appear to be bitter because I'm so far from it. I think about my wedding day and I feel warm and like the luckiest person knowing I will be marrying my best friend, the person who makes me happier than I ever thought I deserved to be. I see myself walking down the aisle of the adorable little chapel and I feel excited and renewed. But then I'm forced to once again look back at the minute details, to make the calls and sign the contracts & checks, and answer all the questions...and I just want to run away from it all.

How do I let go and just enjoy this ride? I certainly have waited in line for it for a long time, and it saddens me to think I'm ruining it for myself.

I'm trying here!

So I got another email from The Knot today. And instead of rolling my eyes and hitting 'delete,' I scanned through the "You have four months left and these are the millions of things you still need to do!" message and found a link about "personalizing" my special day. Because despite how indifferent I am to the mundane actions of planning a wedding, I'm ALL about making this day special and tailored to Mark and me. I loved this little tip:

"Leave a blank note card at each guest’s plate so that can write down their well-wishes for you as a couple. Once done, ask them to slip the note in a gorgeous box... Read them after the honeymoon, then at your first anniversary, and your second...handwritten notes will never lose their power of personalization."

See? I'm not that cynical... ;o)

Snide-to-Be

It's been too long since I've written here and for that I'm sorry. I'm sorry mostly because that means I haven't really done much by way of wedding planning. Keeping with tradition, I've been a pretty lousy bride-to-be; this is NOT coming naturally for me! I'm ok with this, knowing I will be much more attune to the 'being a good wife' part, but in the meantime I'm slightly disgusted with myself.

I've been pretty judgmental about this whole process. When I log onto The Knot and read the local chatboards for suggestions, I start twitching. Have you been on this site? I honestly worry that some of those aching-for-a-wedding women don't realize that once this big 'to-do' is over? They will be MARRIED. Like, for better or worse. It's just...typical. So yes, I judge a little. While I sometimes wish this wedding planning game was more fun for me to play, I'm also happy knowing that part of the reason why Mark wants to marry ME and not someone else is because I don't live for this.

Last night we met with our friend* who is designing our wedding invitations. When she asked us what we were looking for, I went off on a tangent:

"I want none of that ivory on ivory crap. And you can forget the 'flimsy-flamsy' tissue paper between the pages, too. I mean, what IS that? Am I supposed to use it to blot my greasy forehead? Oh, thanks, I'll be sure to bring it to your wedding so I'm suitable for impromptu photos!"

Really, people. Do I have to be so...crude? *sigh*

When I got a call back yesterday from the guy at a DJ company I was considering, I almost laughed out loud at his suggestions. He was so excited to tell me about their bubble machine (he actually referred to this as "The Bubble Experience") and FOG machine! And how they can bring in plasma TV's - plural - so videos of the songs can be played all night long! And let us not forget the "Confetti Hand Streamers" for the perfect "Grand Entrance!" I finally cut him off and politely asked, "Uh...how much would it cost for you to JUST PLAY MUSIC for 6 hours?" BLECH.

On a brighter note, we meet with a florist today and so far I want to be her new best friend. She's so talented - she's even worked with the (Bill) Clinton campaign. She also happens to be in the midst of planning her own wedding, so she's completely in tune with what I'm going through. She admitted she's been doing event planning for 12 years, but is having a really tough time planning her own affair. I felt so much better hearing that for some reason. I guess we really are our own worst enemy...

*During our invitation meeting when our friend went to the bathroom, Mark and I actually had a conversation about eloping. I was all, "So what if we lose $1,800 in deposits? Let's run away and be married far away from all this planning B.S.! And he got a big grin on his face and jokingly said, "OK!!" We are freaking hilarious. Except for...I kinda wasn't kidding. *blush*

The Search

Driving to the first bridal salon on Saturday, I turned to my mom & sister and said, "If there aren't tears, ladies, it ain't the dress for me...got it?" We laughed, knowing this cliche' is probably just some made up future-wives tale. I mean, how many people really cry the second they find their wedding dress?!

We walked into the first place and I was sadly underwhelmed. I went straight for the bridesmaids dresses, which is never a good sign for a bride-to-be. My sister finally diverted me over to the three walls of white poufiness, where I reluctantly started looking through the options. I whined. I let out lots of "Ugh's" and "Ick's." My mom pointed out several options that made me diplomatically say, "Yeah, it's nice but I don't like (this element)..." I finally found three dresses to try on and went back to the dressing area. Turns out there is only one area with a big mirror and everyone was about to see Amy's ASS. And boobs (I'd brought my own strapless bra). Ahem.

The first one was beautiful, a real contender. The second was gorgeous in a completely different but equal way. My sister took photos and we discussed lace and fit. I was starting to get into the spirit of things! No tears were shed, but overall I left happy, information in hand.

The second place my sister heard about from a friend. We walked in. We walked out. *SHUDDER*

The third place was nice, but I spent more time whining about how HEAVY the dresses were on the racks - in their clear plastic-zippered bags - then I spent trying on said dresses. I finally found one I liked, tried it on and instantly took it off. I'd had just. about. enough.

With a half-hour left until the last place closed, we rolled into the parking lot and I vowed to be more open-minded. Upon walking in, we were asked to take off our shoes before entering the dress area. The ladies were instantly helpful and pointed out options based on what I told them I was looking for. I decided upon three choices, one of which I simply grabbed because I liked the lace.

The first was amazing and my mom was almost sold. The second was beautiful, but just not "me." We went back into the dressing room and my mom and sister helped put the last dress over my shoulders. This dress, a tank style, was the only one I tried on that wasn't strapless; as soon as they got it on me, I said, "Ugh, get these sleeves OFF of me" and promptly removed my arms from them and tucked them into the bodice.

Out to the three-way mirror I went. Stepping up on the pedestal, I couldn't help but look down and admire the lace. I looked up and instantly got goosebumps. I was given a hand mirror to better see the train and as I looked back into the full-length mirror again, I got tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat, and excitedly announced, "I LOVE THIS DRESS!!!" Turning around, I was met by my sister's red face, her own tears threatening to fall. My mom jumped up from the couch, tears running down her face. We all met into a three-way hug, laughing and sobbing. The seamstress even had tears in her eyes. Feeling a bit silly, I blurted out to the sales lady, "I might LOOK twelve, but I'm much older...it's taken me a LONG time to have a reason to cry over a damn dress!" We were promptly handed tissues and told that the sleeve issue was a quick and simple fix. I was sold.

I get choked up thinking about it even now, if you want to know the truth. I honestly never thought I would have this kind of reaction to fabric and thread. I guess what "they" say really is true. Still, I like to think it's not about the dress and more about the fact that finding the one that is so "you" makes it more easy to envision yourself on your wedding day. In the vision I had, I looked ethereally pretty and happy, which is exactly what I wanted.

For those of you who wish you could see a photo of the dress, guess what? It's quite a bit like the dress I raved about here. LOVE!!

Dress to Impress

I'm going dress shopping with my mom and sister tomorrow in Grand Rapids - I just found out about an hour ago that my sister will be able to break away from the baby for a few hours. I'm SO excited...and since you all know by now that 'excitement' hasn't exactly been in my wedding-planning repertoire, this is REALLY good news.

I suppose it can't hurt that I'll be going to a bridal salon that carries the line that includes a dress I fell in love with while searching online. *sigh*

I have to admit I was really worried for quite a while about the fact that I was NOT feeling this whole wedding planning thing. Yet, as soon as we found the ceremony and reception sites, I felt an instant calm that allowed me to clearly envision the rest of the process without wanting to hyperventilate.

We'll see how I feel after trying on some dresses, of course. ;o)

Big Day Update

I know I told you we would be getting married on May 9th, but things have changed. We are now getting married on May 16, 2008 (which gives us one more week - yay!), and I'm FINALLY getting excited about this wedding planning thing.

That's because we finally have a place to get married:



...and a place to hold our reception:



Can you say RELIEF?!...

It's really nice to finally have some definitives and to now be able to jump fully into the planning. I won't lie and say I'm not nervous about how little time I have and how much still needs to be done, but we can handle it. I have my little sister - the Maid of Honor - scoping out bridesmaid dresses for me, and plan to go try some wedding dresses sometime this weekend.

So. Officially, I can say I'm planning a wedding. And that in roughly 200 days, I will become a "Mrs".. :o)

Question

Although I'm seriously considering running away and marrying Mark without telling a single soul (except, of course, you - ha!), I'm also trying to find a way to ask my desired attendants - my two sisters and my two best friends - to stand up at our wedding. Is there a cute way to do this? I tried to ask one of my best friends at dinner the other night and it just felt trite...I was nervous, almost like it was a first date or something! What the hell, right?

So, does anyone have any great ideas on how to make this at least a little special for my girls? They ARE very special to me, so I would like to ask them in a little different way if possible.

Thanks!